My friend Dana and I went for an hour walk this morning in the light rain. The time passed by quickly and before we knew it...we had walked three to four miles. My friend is an amazing lady. She and her husband moved into my neighborhood 18 months ago. Like my family, they moved to the urban core to make a difference. Dana and I have a lot in common and I can't wait to spend more time with her once I am out of school.
One of the interesting things Dana and I discussd this morning was helping people versus enabling individuals in our neighborhood. For example, there use to be a large family that lived across the street from my family. This couple had a number of children and as a result, monetary means were always tight and often they were short on cash. One week after they moved in, the husband asked to borrow $35 to fill up his gas tank. He just got a new job, he was short cash and was not going to get paid for two weeks. We graciously gave him the money to help his family and then two weeks later he asked if he couple borrow more money to put toward rental furniture. My husband and I talked about this request in detail and came to the conclusion that if we continued to lend money...then we were enabling the family and the cycle would continue and would not stop. We told him not to worry about paying us back for the gas money; however, we could not be able to give him money in the future. We continued to help the family...just not in monetary ways. We invited the family to our church and the children were given lots of love and food. The family received two food baskets twice a month and additional assistance in a number of other ways.
My friend Dana is dealing with a similiar situation. She and her husband are helping a young couple that have a child and no jobs to support their family. As a result, the couple are living with extended family to make ends meet. This couple is always asking Dana and her husband for rides and they have graciously helped this family as much as possible. Like us, they had to put their foot down and had to pull back when it came to providing transportation. They continue to take the family to doctor appointments or to Walmart to buy baby supplies and etc. However, they are no longer taking them to places such as Game Stop or the Sprint Center.
In closing, where is the fine line between helping and enabling people? I think it is a gray issue that each individual and family have to determine on their own.
6 comments:
You took the works right out of my mouth by saying that it is a gray area, depending on who the families are involved. And I'm trying not to sound to spiritual because we never take about that but I would like to say this. Keep doing what your heart tells you and what feels right. Don't worry about what you recieve here on earth but what good deeds are storied up for you in heaven. Love, peace & SOUL!
When does helping someone out turn into supporting them or preventing them from helping them self? I agree with doing what your heart tells you.
I have the same questions about the gray area. It is so hard to teach the kids about that. I took Kathryn to Cheesecake Factory and there was a beggar standing outside the gate asking for money or food for his family. Of course, Kathryn wanted to give him the shirt off of her back instantly. We ate outside on their patio, and she kept asking about him. I asked the waitress if she knew anything about him and if we could buy him a sandwich. She said we could if we liked but they have seen him on a cell phone and people that come to pick him up and drop him off are always driving new Cadillacs. Hmm. I decided to keep my money and told Kathryn we could donate it to our church to help serve at the soup kitchen.
The gray area is hard, especially if the people are right there across the street and in your neighborhood. I think it is great that you will help them and I believe by setting an example and teaching them to learn to help themselves is the best thing you could ever do for them. kudos to you and your family.
I agree with Mr. Dixon, your heart will lead you. You and your husband are obviously compassionate people. You'll know when it doesn't feel right.
It sounds like you were trying to do a good deed but unfortunately the couple ended up taking advantage. I have been in your same situation with my husband’s family. Once they realized we were willing to help they kept asking for more. I had to finally put my foot down and tell them "NO" as well. My husband tells me all the time he feels guilty because of the position they are in. I try to explain to him that if you continue to help them they will not only drain us dry but they will never want to help themselves. You can only do so much for people then they have to want to help themselves.
I know someone who gives a lot to other people and she says she does it because she has had a good life and can afford to help others, as she had been helped in her younger years. However, she complains quite often about how a person used the item she gave to them.
I keep reminding her that once she gives something away, it is no longer hers to say what they do with it.
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